Current mood:	hungry
Entry tags:	angst, friendship, lily evans, my fic, regulus black, short story, young severus

fic: Lost Causes (part 1)
Since I've already gone and violated taboos today, here's something else that contravenes several of what I have deduced to be the commandments of fanfic:

1. Thou shalt have thy work betaed (at least if it's over a certain length).
2. Thou shalt have thy work Britpicked (where applicable).
3. Thou shalt not post WIPs unless thou dost not mind losing a lot of thy possible readership (the many who refuse to read WIPs until they're completed).

I just want to seem like I'm doing something, yeah?

Title: Lost Causes
Characters/Pairings: this part Lily/James talked about, Sirius/Remus hinted at, Severus, Regulus
Rating: this part PG
Words: this part ~3100
Summary: Second chances are all well and good, but sometimes things really are lost. Maybe. Depending on your definition of "lost".
Warnings: As said above, unbetaed, unBritpicked, and WIP. Future parts will contain both slash and het, strong language, and drug use.

Lost Causes

July, 1978

A familiar chuckling suddenly caught Lily's ear as she sipped the pint of cider James had ordered for her. She peered up through the glass that topped the separators between the booths in the pub, looking for the source of it. What would he be doing in such a—well, normal place as this?

Trying not to be too obvious as she cast about for the source of the sound, Lily nodded a couple of times at what she thought were appropriate points in whatever James and Sirius were chattering about. Much more difficult was not to show her shock when she located him, and just as she had thought, it turned out to be Severus.

He was sitting with a friend in a booth across the room, drinking a pint of ale and occasionally wrinkling his eyes with amusement. Just then his companion said something evidently very droll indeed, for Severus smiled, showing a few of his teeth, and chuckled again, and his dark-haired friend gave him a playful elbow in the ribs. His friend... Lily thought he looked very familiar, that she had surely seen him about at Hogwarts, but couldn't place him for a while. Then, recognition: it was Regulus Black, Sirius's little brother and Severus's House-mate.

Lily quickly re-focused her eyes on Sirius where he sat across the table from her. She knew Sirius had been on the outs with his family for some time, so figured there was no good in drawing attention to Regulus, especially with Severus in tow. As much as she didn't approve of what Severus had been becoming, neither did she wish to point him out to James and Sirius. That would surely turn into quite a circus.

Severus! Lily thought, her mind racing. Imagine that! I wonder what he's doing with himself after school? I know I accused him of wanting to be a Death Eater, but... do Death Eaters even bother coming to ordinary pubs like this?

Lily did her best to split her attention between listening to James and Sirius and sneaking surreptitious glances at Severus and Regulus. She was surprised at the warmth and gentleness in Regulus's body language, as though he really liked Severus and was thoroughly enjoying being with him. She was even more surprised that Severus didn't shrug him off. If anything, Severus was acting a bit shy; he was neither wary, nor angry, nor confidently superior, and in Lily's experience with him, that left few other options.

Lily suddenly felt a pang of regret. What would it have taken for her to be in that seat there, nudging Severus and laughing with him as they had a few companionable pints? For all she knew how wildly their values and ideas had diverged, still, she missed him sometimes. She supposed it would be hard not to miss someone who had figured in so many of her life's "firsts".

But it was too late; surely the damage had been done. There was no bridge between them anymore over which to send a messenger. True, after a rather frosty (and, to be honest, lonesome) summer they'd managed to patch things up somewhat during sixth year, and the summer after that had been all right, now that Lily thought about it, but things could never be like the way they were before... before everything.

And then, of course, in seventh year, she'd given in to James's persistence and started going out with him. He had certainly grown on her, she had to give him that, although she supposed that sharing Head Boy and Girl responsibilities with him had had something to do with her revised opinions.

She'd been extremely skeptical of the appointment at first, but James had seemed to rise to the occasion, and within just a couple of months Lily found herself quite liking him. More rapidly than she would have expected to, her responses to his incessant nagging for dates had shifted from "For the last time, Potter, bugger off" to a fondly head-shaking "Oh, you...! Look, James, you do know I'm never going to say yes?"

But although she'd said that, she'd realized her resistance had finally been worn down when one day in late November she instead heard herself saying "All right, why not then." As it turned out, James was actually rather sweet when he wasn't expending all his energy on constantly fluffing up his peacock's feathers (or messy hair, as the case might be) in the most obnoxious way possible just trying to get her attention.

Nine months on, he had begun sounding like he might want to get very serious with her, the marriage kind of serious, although Lily had doubts about that. She had fun with James, sure, but he still seemed to think himself somewhere near the center of the universe, if no longer quite in it. Then there was the fact that James and Sirius came as a pair, and although Lily liked Sirius, she could only take so much of him at a time. And although James had assured her that he and Sirius had left off harassing Severus just like he'd said he'd do back in fifth year, something about the way Severus still glared at them all through seventh year made her doubt that was entirely truthful.

On the other hand, Lily had heard some things from them about Severus that had given her great pause. She had been scared for some time that Severus was going to stupidly follow his creepy friends and turn out to be a Death Eater, but there was never any getting him to see reason on that. And to hear James and Sirius tell it, it had been odds on he was going to join that little society as soon as the year was out, if not before. So the more she'd thought about it, the more Lily had concluded that while she wasn't certain about James either, she just couldn't conscience having Severus in her life, not if that's what he was going to do with himself.

She wasn't so sure now, seeing him here casually sipping beer, that it had been necessary to tell him off as strongly as she had, though. Severus had put up little protest in return, less even than after their falling-out in fifth year.

"Lily, I can't simply—" Severus stopped himself, closed his eyes, and shook his head before continuing. "No. I'm... sorry. If this is what you want, then..."He looked at her with longing, but also resignation. It was oddly beautiful, Lily thought; it seemed Severus had the sort of face that wore melancholy rather well.

"I'm sorry," he said again, barely above a whisper, and then turned and walked away.

As he turned, Lily thought she saw him squeeze his eyes with anguish. She felt suddenly as if she were viewing the scene through glass, distanced from it like an exhibit in a natural history museum, with a little plaque on the wall: "Young adult English wizard (heartbroken)".

It had been perversely disappointing, actually, the way he'd sadly done as she'd told him to and finally left her alone to live her life without him. Shouldn't he have objected more strongly if she'd actually meant that much to him? It had only gone to prove he really did want Dark magic more than her, didn't it? Although she did have to admit that competing with James all the time would surely be a wearying task for anyone, even someone with Severus's drive and stubbornness.

"Another, love?"

Lily blinked dazedly at James for a second. "Sorry, what?"

James looked at her empty cider glass, then back up at her eyes. "Where have you been?" He smiled affectionately. "I said, would you like another?"

Lily hadn't noticed she'd finished it. There were little tracks in the puddle of condensation on the table, like she'd been pushing the empty glass around thoughtlessly. "Oh... no, I don't think so."

"I'd better go when I finish this one anyway," said Sirius.

"Heavy date, Padfoot?" James teased, giving him a wink.

Surprisingly, Sirius looked a little uncomfortable. "No, just – Remus had this thing—"

"Oh! Sounds cool. Me and Lily could come along, maybe?"

"Er – I don't think that's..." Sirius seemed not to know how to finish the sentence, and quickly swallowed the last of his pint. "It's kind of a secret," he said, not looking James in the eye.

"Hmm... this is July, so it isn't anybody's birthday..."

"Oh leave it, James," said Lily, started to get exasperated.

He frowned at her a little, but stopped pushing for details. "All right, no need to get like that." Sirius gave her a look of thanks as they all got up and headed for the door.

Just before she stepped out onto the street, Lily looked briefly over her shoulder to the table where Severus and Regulus had been sitting, but they had disappeared somewhere. The seed of curiosity had been planted, though, and it was already sending a strong shoot up inside her.

*************

4 August
12 Grimmauld Place
London

Dear Miss Evans,

I was surprised to receive your letter a few days ago. Yes, I have heard of you, although I'm not sure I could pick you out of a crowded room. And yes, it seems you did in fact see me out with Severus the other day, so you may stop doubting your eyes on that count!

As to the subject of your letter, I disagree that I am a last resort in this matter, although it seems you have already made up your mind. Severus is doing well enough, I can say that. However, although I find your concern touching, perhaps you ought to reconsider the logic of asking a near-complete stranger to reveal details of Severus's personal life to someone who – forgive me for saying so – is no longer his friend.

I'm certain the proper course of action will present itself. I wish you luck.

Sincerely,

Regulus A. Black

Regulus smiled ruefully as he sealed the letter. Of course he'd heard of Lily Evans; he reckoned it would be nearly impossible to be as close a friend as he now was with Severus and not have heard of her. Severus never said as much, but Regulus could tell there was an ugly wound in his heart where she had been, a wound still half-unclosed and weeping.

He had been puzzled at first by Lily's letter, but at the end of its few sentences asking sheepishly for just a few hints about how Severus was doing, where he was living, what he was doing for work, and such things, Regulus had felt fluttering touches of excitement in his stomach. Lily clearly regarded the whole thing as a lost cause, since she had referred to Regulus has her last resort. He imagined her worrying that Severus might angrily burn any letter she sent him, and certainly not send any reply.

She was half right in that idea, Regulus supposed. Severus would not likely respond, but not from anger; rather, from the same kind of despondency over a lost cause and Things That Could Not Be. Far from burning a letter from Lily, he'd be much more likely to shed a few bitter tears over it in secret, and then tuck it carefully away in the safest place he could find.

*************

Orion and Walburga Black had been somewhere in the Mediterranean since that spring, largely on account of a healer who had advised that the climate might improve Orion's health, which was mysteriously failing before even the age of fifty. Sirius, of course, had stormed out in a righteous snit a couple of years ago. These facts combined had left a not-yet-seventeen Regulus with the run of the house that summer when he returned from Hogwarts. Of course he had been deemed adult enough for the responsibility, as he knew he would be, but it was still lonely with only Kreacher for company.

While Regulus knew Severus would never have accepted charity of such magnitude as an offer to stay the summer and share board, he was glad that the arrangement nonetheless seemed to have come about by degrees. It had taken some doing to persuade Severus to drop by now and then, but once he had, he started coming more and more often. Severus made excuses about the library or various projects he was working on, but privately, Regulus liked to think that Severus enjoyed his company as much as he enjoyed Severus's.

Truthfully, Severus did; but he had still felt immediately like a leech the first time he spent the night. It would have been ludicrous to try to tell Regulus it was too much of an expense, and in a way that made it worse. If he were a burden, at least he would be taking on an honest debt he'd have to work to pay off, which was a concept he could get his mind around. As it was, the effortlessness with which he had nearly become a tenant made him feel like he was of no consequence, and he didn't like that at all.

So Severus had decided to cut his gains, as it were, and had swiftly set himself up a very tiny, very specialist trade in, ah, certain elixirs. (If there was one thing Slytherin alumni were good for, it was contacts, for any purpose imaginable.) He felt a bit funny about the whole thing, but in the end, pragmatism had won: it was the quickest way to use his skills to squeeze the most cash out of the least exposure, and it wasn't like there were laws about such things as there were in the Muggle world. With luck, he'd even lay in some decent savings for the inevitable ousting when Regulus returned to Hogwarts in the fall.

*************

Regulus peered silently around the door into the drawing room and smiled at the scene that greeted him. Severus was sprawled in a comfortable chair, one leg over the arm of it and the opposite hand toying occasionally with a short glass tumbler of something red that sat on the table beside him. Regulus had rarely seen him looking so relaxed. For all that Severus would insist he was only staying over now and then while Regulus's parents were on holiday and was not living here thank-you-very-much, he certainly had made himself at home.

Regulus cleared his throat gently. "Severus?"

"Hm?" Severus said, without looking up from his reading.

Regulus approached him slowly. He had decided to tell Severus about Lily's letter, but now that he had started this conversation, was not sure how to broach the subject.

"There's stem glasses for that, you know," Regulus said, putting one hand on the back of the chair and peering over Severus's shoulder. THE VOICE OF SARUMAN, read the chapter title on the right-hand page. Not only light reading, by Severus's standards, but Muggle as well? He must be in a good mood. All the better.

"What, and knock it over when I do this?" Severus replied, demonstrating how he had been playing with the glass. "Dirty shame that would be. This stuff is older than I am. If possible abuse of your glassware was such a concern"—he shifted his accent slightly—"then you ought to have thought of me rough northern manners before invitin' me, young master Black." Severus looked up and over his shoulder at Regulus, smirking.

Ah. Definitely a good mood. Here goes... "I received a curious letter in the post a couple of days ago." Regulus did his best to sound casual.

"Did you," said Severus, sipping the wine and returning to The Lord of the Rings. "What about?"

"From whom, really, is the interesting point."

"Who from, then?" Severus snorted. "Don't tell me you got some scrawling or other from Sirius."

"No," said Regulus wistfully. As much as he found his brother's manner somewhat hard to stomach, and his ideas to be the wrong way round, still Sirius was his brother, and Regulus fiercely missed him and his affection. "No, actually it was from your Miss Evans."

There was a scraping, clunking sound as Severus nearly knocked his glass over despite its squat shape, and luckily caught it with a quick grab. He held onto it tightly, and pointedly did not look back at Regulus again. "What on earth would—she—be writing to you about?" he said, every word sticking in his throat, unable to say her name aloud.

"You," said Regulus calmly.

"Me?" said Severus, his voice cracking as if he had decided to give puberty a second go.

Regulus moved to sit in the chair opposite Severus, who suddenly rearranged his limbs into a much stiffer sitting position. "It seems she spotted us at the Star and Sphinx the other day. She wanted to know how you were doing, all that sort of thing."

Severus scoffed, his expression shifting from alarm to scorn. "Right. This was, of course, so important to her that she couldn't ask me herself. She had to write to someone she barely knows, someone she probably suspects as much of being a Death Eater as she suspected me." A thought suddenly struck him, and his voice got quieter and colder. "What did you tell her?"

"If she hardly knows me but by name, she can't suspect me of much," said Regulus with a gentle smile. "I said nothing but that you were well. And would you really have answered if she had written to you?"

Severus looked into his tumbler of wine with hollow eyes. "How much more could I have apologized? By this point it's her own fault she doesn't know firsthand."

"Perhaps. But Severus, I think she would like to hear from you."

"Isn't that just darling. Let me see this letter."

Regulus withdrew the parchment from a pocket, stood, and handed it over. Severus's hands trembled slightly as he took it, and his eyes filled with sadness as he read it. Finally he looked up at Regulus standing before him, feeling as though Regulus had just asked him to attempt some terrible, possibly suicidal task.

"Regulus, I..." He shook his head slightly. "I can't answer this. It's hopeless... what would be the point? It would only bring up... things much better forgotten about."

Regulus squatted and laid his hand on Severus's arm. "If you want to forget, forget," he said. "You know a sure-fire method for that. But I don't think you do. And I don't think she has." He stood again, gave Severus's arm a gentle squeeze, and left him to his brooding.

He left me the letter, thought Severus, slightly in shock.

Part 2